


Fallen

by Zebrastreifen



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: 16x10, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD, Patton's trial, picking up the pieces
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:20:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 10,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23609779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zebrastreifen/pseuds/Zebrastreifen
Summary: For the past five years, Amanda Rollins has been falling. Who will take care of her when she - quite literally - hits the ground? // Set during Patton's trial, i.e. 16x10 "Forgiving Rollins"// ***** Rated M for coarse language and potential future references to what Patton did to her *****
Kudos: 6





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I have originally posted this on fanfiction.net (same username as here: Zebrastreifen) so I backdated the chapters.  
> 

**Chapter 1**

Tears were clouding her eyes when Amanda ran out of the courtroom. Liv was following her hurriedly, with a concerned look on her face and Amanda’s name on her lips, but the blonde didn’t respond – either ignoring her superior or not even aware of her presence.

The icy winter air hit Amanda’s face when she rushed out of the building, but she didn’t even care. Neither did she even know where she was headed – all she did know was that she had to get away from _here_ as soon as possible.

Amanda was halfway down the stairs in front of the Supreme Court when her ankle slipped to the side, unable to balance her on the edge of an icy step. So she fell. Face forward. Hard.

It was like everything was suddenly happening in slow motion, but yet again so fast she couldn’t react. The only things she consciously registered were a sharp pain in her wrist and the pressure on her jaw when her chin slid over the grainy pavement of the sidewalk.

“Amanda! Oh god! Are you okay?” Olivia’s hurried, tip-toed footsteps clicked on the pavement beside her, and Amanda instinctively turned away. _She wasn’t supposed to see her like this_. _Ever_!

“’Manda! Can you hear me? Are you okay?” The blonde responded with an affirmative sigh. “Let me help you get up” Olivia offered and Amanda flinched when she gently placed a hand on the younger woman’s shoulders.

“Amanda…”  
“I’m fine!” She exclaimed sharply and tried to push herself off the ground, failing miserably when a sharp pain shot through her wrist. “Sonofabitch!”  
“’Manda…” Olivia had knelt down on the icy sidewalk. “Let me help you. Please!”  
The blonde ignored her at first, awkwardly turning over so she was laying on her back, then using her abdominal muscles to pull herself into a sitting position.  
“’m okay” She pressed out between clenched teeth.  
“The hell you are. Amanda, you’re bleeding and…” Olivia paused when she realized Amanda had probably already been crying before the fall. Not wanting to embarrass her, she rephrased: “You’re hurt. So please let me help you get up!”

Amanda bit her lip, then nodded, realizing the pain was bigger than her pride.  
“Are your legs okay? You didn’t sprain your ankle, did you?” Liv asked, and Amanda frowned. “That’s why you fell” The brunette clarified. “You must have slipped and twisted your ankle trying to steady yourself. Don’t you remember?” She didn’t. Amanda tried to mask her discomfort with a shrug, but Liv saw right through it: “Did you hit your head, Amanda? Except for the scrape on your chin?”

Another shrug.  
Liv sighed. “Okay, let’s get you on your feet first. So your left arm seems to be injured. How’s your right arm?” Olivia got up and offered Amanda an outstretched hand to pull herself up with. The blonde gripped it and pulled herself upright, but her face twisted with pain. Liv reflexively placed her other hand on the small of the younger woman’s back to steady her, but hastily withdrew her hand when she felt Amanda tense up. “Sorry”

Amanda tried to shrug it off but was unable to hide the spark of fear in her eyes.

“’Manda…”  
“Don’t!”

So apparently, Amanda’s _emotional_ pain was off limits… Olivia quickly changed the topic: “You’re not putting any weight on your right leg”

Amanda shot back a defensive “I’m fine” they both knew was a lie.  
Liv sighed. “I’m gonna hail us a cab. We’re going to have you checked out at the ER”  
Amanda’s eyes widened. _God!_ She just wanted to go home! “I’ll be fine!”  
Olivia shook her head. “’Manda… that wasn’t an _offer_ ”.

* * *

The blonde sighed. _Of course it wasn’t_. At least this day couldn’t possibly get any worse. Or at least that’s what she thought, until four hours later, she found herself sitting on a gurney, staring down at her injured wrist, trying to process what her doctor was saying:

“You’re good to go, detective. _Home_ , not to work. Just to make that clear. But I think your sergeant here knows you won’t be running around catching the bad guys any time soon…” The doctor gave Olivia a sympathetic smile before she continued: “Fortunately, nothing’s broken, but your wrist is contused and you’ve twisted your ankle, so you need to take it slow for the next two to four weeks. As for now, I’m more worried about your hitting your head. Now the CT shows no signs of internal trauma, but the symptoms of a concussion could start to show _hours_ later. So if you suddenly feel nauseous or even lose consciousness, you need to come back here immediately!”  
  
Amanda rolled her eyes. “How am I supposed to come here if I’m unconscious?” She spat out cynically, only afterwards realizing she had opened a metaphorical door.

“About that… You shouldn’t be alone for the next few days, especially since you’ll probably need help getting dressed because of your wrist” The doctor advised, and before Amanda had even processed her words, Olivia’s “I’ll stay with her” knocked the breath out of her.

_No way._  
No _fucking_ way!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

“I need to take Frannie for a walk”  
Olivia sighed. “You’re kidding, right?”  
They had barely entered Amanda’s apartment, and although she fully understood Amanda’s urge to run, she had promised the doctor she was going to look out for her colleague (friend?) - and she was fairly certain that meant ensuring Amanda got some rest instead of taking her overeager four-legged friend to the park.

Amanda ignored Liv’s comment, dropped her purse next to a shoe rack and bowed down to greet her dog. She inhaled sharply when Frannie excitedly nudged against her bruised body, but tried not to let it show.

Olivia had not yet stepped into the hallway of Amanda’s apartment, effectively blocking the door. “Amanda” She started gently. “Let me take Fran for a quick walk around the block, okay? I know I’m not supposed to leave you alone, but I’ll be back in five minutes and it’s better than dragging you around outside. Please…”

The blonde swallowed, contemplating her sergeant’s offer slash command. Eventually, she gave in and handed Olivia Frannie’s leash which had a little container with poop bags attached to it. Neither of them spoke when their eyes briefly met.

Amanda limped towards the couch, sat down laboriously because of her injuries, and cried. It was only when she felt a slobbery tongue licking her arm that she realized Frannie and Liv had come back. _Liv! Shit!_

Embarrassed, Amanda tried to wipe the tears off her cheeks, unable to look at Olivia who was standing next to the couch, watching her with concerned brown eyes. The blonde tensed when she felt the couch cushion dip beside her. She didn’t even bother looking up, already knowing Olivia had sat down next to her – close enough to let her know she was there, but far away enough the shaking blonde wouldn’t be intimidated by her presence. 

Nevertheless, Amanda had to suppress the urge to scoot over into the opposite direction or just kick Olivia out. But as tempting as the idea of just being alone was – it was also… _scary?_ Although she would never admit it to anyone, part of her was glad she didn’t have to be on her own tonight. At least her injury-related helplessness gave her an excuse to be looked after without having to bare the turmoil going on in her head. Speaking of which… Was Liv expecting some sort of explanation? A breakdown? Both? And – to be honest – wouldn’t Amanda have broken down already if she didn’t feel the need to pull herself together because of Olivia?

Ever since she had come to New York, Amanda had never felt as vulnerable as she was feeling right now: Damaged – physically and emotionally. Overwhelmed. Scared. _Hurt_. And everyone knew. _Liv_ knew.

The mere thought of _what else_ her sergeant might find out during their forced roommate-ship sent shivers down Amanda’s spine. She’d been having nightmares ever since the conference, and having slept alone ever since then, she didn’t know how vocal she became. Was Liv going to hear her crying, screaming, tossing and turning in her sleep? What was she going to say if she did?

Amanda could feel her sergeant’s look of expectancy pierce through her. She really needed to put her walls back up, or she was going to reveal something she’d later regret.

“I don’t want to talk about…today…” Amanda whispered, and Olivia knew she was referring to Patton’s trial. “You don’t have to” She replied quickly, then sighed. “Look. I know my being here must feel like some sort of punishment to you right now. I want you to know that I’m here for you, but I won’t pressure you into talking to me or telling me anything you’re not comfortable sharing. If you want to talk, we’ll talk. If you want to sit around and watch tv all day, we’ll do that. Above all, I’m here to make sure that _physically,_ you’re okay - and I’ll stay for as long as the doctor thinks it’s necessary. If there’s anything else you need, I’m here. Okay?”

Amanda didn’t respond, absentmindedly drawing patterns on Frannie’s fur with her uninjured hand. Frannie had jumped onto the couch and was now acting as a furry barrier between the two women, but Olivia kept studying the younger woman whose face hidden behind a curtain of blonde hair. Frannie flinched when Amanda’s strangled sob tore through the silence, and Olivia knew the blonde was facing away from her to hide her tears.

“How can I help?” Liv asked gently, and it broke her heart to see Amanda clutching a hand over her mouth to quieten her sobs.  
“’m okay!” Amanda choked out, visibly struggling to catch a breath, and Olivia sensed she was biting the inside of her cheek to keep her words and tears from pouring out.  
“’Manda…”  
“I wanna take a shower.” Amanda shooed Frannie off the couch when she hurriedly got up, fleeing towards the bathroom.  
“Do you need any help?”  
  
The blonde froze mid-motion, glad she was facing away from Liv so she couldn’t see brief flash of panic washing over her face. “NO!” And with that, Amanda disappeared inside the bathroom, the sound of the lock clicking shut ringing in Olivia’s ears like a siren.  
“Amanda? Can you please leave the door unlocked? I promise I won’t come in without your permission, but…”  
Once again, the key jingled in the door lock, and Olivia let out a relieved sigh.

* * *

Twelve minutes.  
Amanda had been in there for twelve minutes already, but Liv couldn’t hear the shower running yet. In fact, she couldn’t hear anything, and that scared her more than the muffled sobs she had half expected could have.

“Amanda?” Olivia’s gentle voice hummed through the closed bathroom door, followed by hurried knocks. “’Manda, are you okay?” The detective immediately scolded herself for how she had phrased it. Of course Amanda wasn’t _okay_ – hadn’t been in a long time and probably wouldn’t be any time soon. What a stupid question! But then again so was _anything_ she could say right now…

“Are you hurt?” Yet another question Liv already knew the answer to. At least this time, there was a double meaning to it. Of course Amanda was hurt – Liv had been in the ER with her up until an hour ago, but the silence worried her beyond the scope of logic and reason. What if Amanda had passed out? What if she was lying face-down in the bathtub while Olivia was standing in front of the bathroom door trying not to hurt her feelings?

“Amanda, you’re scaring me. I’m gonna come in unless you tell me not to” Liv waited for a few seconds. Nothing. Worried, she pushed the bathroom door open, shocked by what she saw: Amanda was staring at her bruised and broken reflection in the mirror, her blouse lying on the floor next to her sock-clad feet. She flinched when Liv softly called her name.

“You’re okay, sweetie. It’s just me.” Olivia moved a little closer, her steps slow and predictable so she wouldn’t scare the blonde. “Can you tell me what’s going on so I can help?”  
  


Olivia didn’t know what she had expected, but Amanda’s sudden, desperate confession surprised her: “I can’t take it off!” The blonde gestured towards her sports-bra-clad chest. “It doesn’t have a clasp so I can’t take it off so I can’t take a shower but I really, really just want to take a shower!” Amanda rambled. The exhaustion of the past week had clearly taken a toll on her. The blonde looked so fragile and scared it broke Olivia’s heart.

“’Manda, relax. We’ll figure something out, okay?” Olivia soothed. “Why don’t we draw you a bath? How does that sound?”

Amanda bit her lip, then nodded slightly and watched Olivia open the faucet. Gurgling splashes tore through the silence, followed by Olivia’s rummaging through the bottles around the tub to find some bath supplement. _Bingo_. She opened the bottle and poured a generous amount of the lavender scented liquid into the tub, instantly creating a mountain of bubbles under the constant stream of water from the faucet.

Olivia had hoped that the extra seconds she’d bought would be enough so Amanda no longer felt threatened by her presence, but the blonde was still pressing her non-injured arm tightly against her chest in a desperate attempt to cover herself.

“I can help you take it off, Amanda” Liv offered, not receiving any kind of response. “I won’t look and I won’t touch you anywhere else. You’re safe with me. I promise.” The blonde nodded absentmindedly. Olivia’s words had barely gotten through to Amanda. All she could think about was that she was letting her superior see her naked. Again. She shuddered involuntarily.

“I’m sorry if anything I do reminds you of _him_. I really am. But I’m here to help. And I know this is difficult, but you can trust me.” Amanda didn’t respond, so Liv continued: “Should we take off your pants first, or can you do that on your own?”

Amanda knew she couldn’t. She had tried, but with her contused wrist, it had been impossibly difficult to peel the tight-fitting pants off her legs. Helplessly, she squeezed her eyes shut and held her breath.

“Amanda?”  
“I can’t”  
“You can’t _what_ , sweetie? You can’t do it on your own or you can’t let me do it?”  
Amanda was tempted to say “Both” but knew that would only make things harder. Because then, Olivia wouldn’t do anything (or even worse: would want to talk) and she could kiss her bath goodbye.

“I can’t do it myself. I need you to do it.” Although Amanda hadn’t been able to hide the trembling in her voice, she was glad she had at least managed to get her statement out, knowing how important it was for Olivia to hear. Deep down, she knew her sergeant wouldn’t touch her in such an intimate way without explicit consent, and she really appreciated it, although it sharpened the contrast to how Patton had treated her even further.

“I know it must be uncomfortable for you to have me touch you like that, but I promise I won’t hurt you.” Their eyes met for a brief moment before Amanda looked away.  
“I’m going to unzip your pants, okay?”

The gentleness in Olivia’s voice was comforting enough Amanda brought up the courage to nod her consent. With her eyes still closed, she flinched when she suddenly felt Olivia’s fingertips on her lower belly, fiddling with the button, then the zipper on her pants. Having opened both, Olivia let go of Amanda for a moment, worriedly studying her reaction. Although her eyes were still shut, she looked terrified.

“’Manda? You’re okay, honey. You’re safe.” Olivia was relieved when the blonde nodded. It meant she was still responsive – meant that her mind hadn’t completely shut down with panic… _yet_. “I’m going to pull your pants down now, okay? Just the pants – I’m going to leave your panties on for now. We’ll see how to go from there.” Olivia explained, and all Amanda could choke out in response was a whispered “I’m sorry”, ashamed by how scared and weak and pathetic she was feeling – and being? – right now. Liv shook her head. “There’s nothing to apologize for.”

Amanda’s indifferent shrug let her know now wasn’t the time to discuss that, and Liv understood. With a gentle pull, Amanda’s pants pooled around her ankles, and she instinctively lifted her injured foot to step out of the first pant leg. Not trusting her wobbly ankle to support her full body weight, she left the second pant leg where it was.

“Okay, so how about I help you take off your bra and then you take off your panties on your own and get into the tub?” Liv suggested, and Amanda nodded hesitantly, lifting her arms above her head like a small child having mommy take off a t-shirt.

Again, she tensed when Olivia’s fingers grazed over her skin to grip the fabric of her bra on both sides. “Ready?” Another shy nod. With a swift motion, Olivia pulled the bra upwards and lifted it over Amanda’s head and outstretched arms, forcing herself not to look.  
“All done.” She said, taking a step to the side. “I’m going to turn around to give you some privacy. I think you should be able to take your panties off on your own.”

The blonde nodded, awkwardly sliding her panties down with her uninjured hand. With an “Mh-hm”, she let Olivia know she was done, pushing the thought aside that she was now completely naked.  
  
“Do you need help getting into the tub?” Liv asked, still facing the wall.  
“Uh-uh.” Amanda’s voice was barely a whisper, but she indeed managed to get into the tub. The hot water instantly soothed her tense muscles, but despite the bubbles covering her nakedness, she felt exposed. But she couldn’t let Olivia stand in the corner forever…  
“I’m in” She admitted, glad when Olivia only nodded casually.  
“I’m gonna keep Frannie company. If you want me to come back to wash your hair, let me know, okay?”  
“Mh-hm”

And suddenly, Olivia was gone and for the second time tonight, Amanda found herself clutching a hand over her mouth to quieten her sobs.  
  



	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

The bath water had gotten so cold that Amanda could no longer stand it, but part of her still didn’t want to call Liv in yet. In a way, the sharp cold was at least helping her sober up emotionally. Half an hour ago, when the water had been comfortably warm (maybe even bordering hot), crying had been easy. Crying and wallowing in her pain and self-pity. Enveloped by the soothing warmth in the privacy of her bathroom, Amanda had somehow felt _safe_ enough to let herself go. But now, she was shivering and mentally scolded herself for putting Liv’s coming back off for so long.

A hesitant knock on the bathroom door tore Amanda out of her thoughts. So much for taking initiative this time instead of having her sergeant look out for her as if she were a child…

“’Manda, are you okay in there? It’s been a while…”   
Liv sounded worried and Amanda couldn’t shake the feeling that she’d been standing in front of the bathroom door for a while already, contemplating whether she should give her time or check on her.   
“You… you can come in” Amanda was disgusted by the shakiness of her voice. She knew she could only partially blame it on the cold bath water. And even that was her own fault: Despite her injuries, she could have let some of the cold water out and refilled the tub with hot water. So it _was_ her own fault, right? Just like _fucking everything_ seemed to be her own fault these days…

With a squeak, the bathroom door opened and Olivia stuck her head in. “Do you want me to wash your hair?” The brunette asked pseudo-casually, as if it were the most natural question in the world. Amanda swallowed her anger, knowing deep down that she wasn’t angry at Liv but at herself.

When the blonde slowly nodded, Liv came closer, and involuntarily, Amanda could feel her heart starting to race. Most of the bubbles had popped, so the only thing shielding her naked body was the milky bath water around her.

Sensing Amanda’s discomfort, Liv knelt down beside the bath tub, steadying herself on a part of its rim at the level of Amanda’s knees. “You’re okay, honey. I won’t hurt you” She promised soothingly, and Amanda gave her the tiniest of nods, then bowing her head in shame, once again avoiding her superior’s gaze. 

“Am I okay to kneel behind you?” Liv asked, and even though the blonde had nodded her permission, she tensed when Olivia scooted out of her sight. “Remember: It’s just me, okay? Now can you get your hair wet?”

Yet another nod. When Amanda’s head resurfaced, Liv squeezed some shampoo on her hand and gently massaged it into the blonde’s hair. Before she rinsed the shampoo off with the detachable showerhead, Liv placed the side of her hand on Amanda’s forehead so she wouldn’t get any shampoo in her eyes, and for a tiny moment, Amanda felt like she was eight again, having her mother wash her hair for her.

Amanda had always found the phrase _back in the day_ silly and annoying, yet it was the first thing that came to mind when she thought back to the bathroom in her mother’s house in Loganville, Georgia. A reasonably happy childhood that now seemed like a lifetime ago. _Back in the day_ , before everything had become so screwed up: _Back in the day_ , when the nickname _Georgia Peach_ had not sent shivers down her spine. _Back in the day,_ when she had chased after Kim in the backyard, not yet knowing that one day, she would break down on the floor of her emptied-out apartment. _Back in the day_ , when Atlanta had been the lively dream of an ambitious small town teenager, and not the haunting nightmare of a woman she had always feared she’d become…

Amanda gulped, grateful for the distraction when Liv grabbed a towel from the stool beside her and draped it around Amanda’s hair, creating a makeshift turban. Reaching for another, bigger towel, Liv got up and moved over to the long side of the bathtub.

“Let’s get you out” She announced, and Amanda reached for Liv’s outstretched hand and used it to pull herself to her feet (or rather: her uninjured foot). She was relieved that Olivia was looking away, more or less blindly wrapping the towel around Amanda’s body.

Olivia lightly touched Amanda’s towel-covered side to guide her out of the tub, then let go of her once she was certain Amanda wouldn’t slip and fall. “How about I bring you some clothes while you try to dry yourself off?” She suggested casually, and the blonde nodded in response. “Anything in particular?” Headshaking. A few minutes later, Liv returned with a comfortable-looking pyjama, black cotton panties and fuzzy socks.

* * *

“’Manda, can I come in?” No reaction. “Amanda?”   
“Yes.” A sniff. “I’m okay”

They both knew it was a lie, but Olivia entered the bathroom anyways, and for the second time of tonight, her stomach dropped at the sight of the blonde: Amanda was leaning against the sink, her arms wrapped around her chest to keep the towel in place. Droplets of water were glistening on her pale shoulders, and Olivia sensed she hadn’t been able to dry herself off at all.

“I can help you” Liv offered, but Amanda vigorously shook her head. “I don’t… I don’t want you to touch me there, Liv.” She choked out and kept on rambling before the brunette could nod her okay: “I know you’re not him and I know you wouldn’t- but I can’t, and I…”   
“It’s okay. It was just an offer. No pressure. You said no, so I won’t do it. We can just wait for you to air dry a bit and then you can put your pyjamas on.” Liv gestured towards the stack of clothes she had placed on a counter beside her.

She had spent quite some time deciding whether to bring a long-sleeved shirt or a pyjama top with buttons. Amanda would need help putting on either, but Liv wasn’t sure whether she’d be more comfortable – or less _un_ comfortable – lifting her arms again or having Liv button her shirt for her. Eventually, she had picked a sweatshirt, figuring that repeatedly fumbling with the buttons would be more intimate than a brief arms-up-exposure, especially because Amanda might not even need to drop her towel for that.

Indeed, Olivia somehow managed to help Amanda into the sweatshirt without having to remove the fluffy barrier between them. Now that Amanda had stepped into her panties and pyjama pants and pulled them up underneath the wraparound bandeau dress towel, she was fully dressed. _Mission complete._ Or was it?

“Where do we go from here?” Olivia asked softly, and Amanda froze.   
_If only she knew…_


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Lacking any real alternatives, they ended up on the couch again, and just like before, Frannie was stretched out comfortably between the two women. Unlike a few hours ago, though, the atmosphere seemed different now - a little less tense than it had been earlier, maybe, and Amanda didn’t seem so defensive anymore. Subtly eyeing the blonde from a distance, Olivia’s focus was suddenly drawn to Frannie’s twitching leg. An excited howl tore through the silence, and when the dog stretched especially goofily and let out an overly content sigh, it brought a smile to either woman’s face. Their eyes met for a brief moment before Amanda looked away again, and Olivia sensed it was time to break the silence:

“That means she’s dreaming, doesn’t it?”   
Amanda nodded.   
“For how long have you had her?”  
“Huh?”  
“Frannie. When did you get her?”

  
Amanda gulped, seemingly too busy drawing patterns on the dog’s fur to answer Liv’s question. Nervously biting her lip, the blonde still hadn’t said a word, and Olivia sensed that the topic wasn’t as small-talky as she had assumed. But before Liv could take her question back, Amanda’s whispered words tore through the silence: “After Patton.” She hesitated for a brief moment, and Olivia was holding her breath, both astonished and glad the blonde had brought the subject up herself. And now what? Would Amanda elaborate on what she had just said? Should Olivia ask anything? Before the brunette could make up her mind, Amanda spoke again:

“She’s a rescue. Got dumped at a kill shelter for being _too active_. Turns out a 60 pound dog needs more than a walk around the block every other day” Amanda snorted cynically, and Liv couldn’t help but smirk. “So you saved her?” Olivia asked after a while, and Amanda shrugged. “I guess so. But _she_ saved _me_ , too…”From how Amanda immediately averted her gaze afterwards, Olivia could tell she wasn’t ready to elaborate on that, so she tried a different approach: “Why did you decide to move to New York, by the way?” The flash of terror on Amanda’s face quickly caused Liv to rephrase her question: “I mean – I know why you _left_ Atlanta… but why New York?”   
  


Amanda shrugged pseudo-casually. “It’s New York City. Why not?” The fact that she was now biting her lip told Olivia that there was more to it, though. It didn’t take more than one questioning look for Amanda to let go of her lip.“You want an honest answer?” The blonde asked and Olivia nodded. “You.” Amanda gulped. “I decided to move here because of you. I mean – you weren’t the reason why I left Atlanta, obviously… but you kind of were the reason why I came to New York” Amanda was rambling now, like a school child who wanted the teacher to like her without becoming the teacher’s pet in the eyes of her classmates. So she just kept talking, hoping anything she was saying would make it better or less awkward or just make it all go away: “I… kind of had a girl crush on you when I first started working at SVU – well, actually even before that. I guess it started around the time I had decided to leave Atlanta. I was… you know… looking for job openings and everything. The newspaper articles about you were pretty impressive!” When Amanda realized Olivia was now smiling widely, she cut herself off immediately, clearly mortified. “Oh god. I shouldn’t have said any of that!”  
“Au contraire!” Olivia exclaimed, her fake French accent accompanied by a dramatic gesture. “I’m glad my awesomeness has become a nation-wide fact! It was about time, don’t you think?” Olivia smiled warmly and Amanda immediately felt the tension inside of her subside.

“How do you do that?”  
Olivia frowned.   
“How do you always know what to say to make things less awkward or less… painful?” Tears were glistening in her eyes, but Amanda didn’t bother hiding them this time.

“I don’t” Olivia finally admitted. “I don’t _always_ know what to say. Right now, I really don’t. I may have received nation-wide recognition for my professional and social skills” She started humorously, “But this-“ Liv gestured around wildly, indicating the whole scenario. “This is different. You’re my colleague. My… friend, Amanda. And seeing you in so much pain – it’s different from seeing the same look on other people’s faces on an average Tuesday at work!” 

Amanda gulped, then realized there was no point in holding back anymore. When the first tear slowly rolled down her cheek, Olivia couldn’t help but stare. 

“I know how much you’ve been trying to keep up your walls, so it means a lot to me that you’re letting me see _this_ , ‘Manda…” Liv whispered and stretched out her hand, only to let it rest on Frannie’s back between the two of them. Hesitatingly, Amanda eyed the brunette, contemplating whether she was just trying to pet the dog or – literally – offering a hand to hold. When Olivia smiled at her encouragingly, she nervously placed her hand next to Liv’s, relieved when the older woman actually reached out for hers.

Embracing the intimacy and solace of her friend’s touch, Amanda inhaled deeply.   
_Maybe the next couple of days were not going to be so bad after all…_


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Olivia was awoken by Frannie’s howl, followed by a quick succession of hasty thump-thump-thumps. After a few seconds of disorientation, she remembered why she was on a couch in an unfamiliar apartment. Because of Amanda’s head injury, they had quickly dismissed the idea of watching a movie together and the blonde had eventually retracted to her bedroom after handing Liv some pyjamas, a spare toothbrush and sheets for the night. Despite their hand-holding-session on the couch, Amanda had still been reluctant to open up to Liv - and even though she certainly _was_ exhausted, Amanda’s sudden announcement of going to bed had seemed like nothing but a pretense.

Having wanted to respect the younger woman’s privacy, Liv had let her go - a decision she regretted now that she was hearing what could only be vomiting. Liv jumped off the couch and bolted towards the adjacent bathroom, genuinely shocked by what she saw: Hunched over the toilet bowl, Amanda’s petite frame was still trembling with convulsions even though she was only dry heaving now. Olivia knelt down on the cold bathroom tiles and gently placed a hand on the blonde’s back that she quickly retracted when Amanda flinched from her touch. Instead, she got up again, grabbed a small towel and soaked it under the ice-cold water jet. Yet again returning to her position on the floor, Olivia whispered words of comfort and eventually offered Amanda the wet cloth.

“I’m sorry. I know this is painful but it’ll be over soon and then I’ll take you back to the hospital, okay?” Even through the aftershocks of her stomach contractions, Amanda vigorously shook her head. “Honey, you just threw up! I promised your doctor to take you back to the hospital if that happened!” Yet again, Amanda answered with a shake of the head. Wobbly, she tried to get up but her knees kept giving in so Liv had to steady her. Olivia carefully guided the blonde towards the sink so she could rinse out her mouth. Even when Amanda kept splashing water into her face for a solid minute, Liv stood by her side, patiently waiting for whatever she had to say.

Amanda’s hesitant gaze towards the living room didn’t go unnoticed but even after they had sat down on the couch like they had three hours before, Amanda seemed reluctant. Determined to give her all the time she needed, Olivia waited for Amanda to bring up the courage to talk. When she finally did, her voice was barely a whisper: “I don’t have a concussion, Liv. I just… uhm… I had a bad dream”. Olivia’s features softened immediately even though Amanda’s explanation wasn’t less concerning than her previous assumption had been.

"He... I wouldn't have let him put it there. I didn't want him to- but he...." Amanda was covering her mouth with the uninjured hand now and Liv couldn't shake the idea that the blonde was trying to keep something out. Or was she just trying to keep her words _in_?  
  
"You're safe now, Manda” Olivia reassured her. “I'm not gonna hurt you" Even though Amanda no longer seemed to be out of her mind with panic, she eyed the brunette suspiciously as if she wasn't fully convinced yet.

"I can see you’re scared right now. Is there anything I can do to help you calm down?"  
“Hm…” The blonde hesitated for a brief moment. "When I was little, I would rest my head on my mama's lap and she'd play with my hair until I fell asleep" Amanda pressed her lips together, as if she wasn't sure whether she could – or _should_ continue. "He ruined it for me" she whispered after a while, an overwhelming sadness in her voice. Liv knew _Amanda_ had to be the one talking now so she just waited.  
  
The blonde let out a hiccupped breath, a silent prelude to what was coming next. "He... uhm... He stroked my hair while I was... while he made me...,I was on my knees and he..." She couldn't say it. Couldn't _breathe_ all of a sudden, and Liv knew better than to push her. Instead, she once again offered her hand, relieved when Amanda reached for it without any sign of hesitation. Gently stroking the back of Amanda’s hand with her thumb, she whispered, "It's okay, Manda. If saying it out aloud scares you, you don’t have to. I just want you to know that you're safe now, okay? I know it doesn't feel like it and I know you’ve been through a lot lately - but I promise he's never gonna hurt you again!" Amanda didn’t respond and Liv just kept stroking her hand. If she didn’t know better, she’d assume the blonde had fallen asleep.

“I haven’t been _like this_ for the past five years”, Amanda whispered after a while, and she might have sounded stubborn if it hadn’t been for the timid sadness in her voice. Olivia furrowed her brows and the blonde gulped. “The, um… the nightmares”, she started weakly. “The flinching. The… fucking crying all the time. I thought it was over, but…”Amanda pressed her lips together tightly and Liv realized she wouldn’t actually _say_ it, so she just nodded knowingly. Another few minutes of silence had passed when the blonde hesitantly whispered Olivia’s name, as if she wanted to make sure the older woman was still there. Liv’s response – a half-confused, half-worried “Yeah?” – sounded more like a statement than a question.

"About earlier...” Amanda started, “I shouldn't have... told you that. I'm sorry."  
The brunette frowned. "Shouldn't have told me _what_? What are you talking about?"  
"The, uhm, hair thing... I didn't mean to put any pictures into your head. I'm sorry"  
"Oh honey… There's nothing to apologize for! I want you to feel safe enough to talk to me - I'm here for you, Amanda. I won't force you to tell me anything but I want you to know I'm here to listen if that's what you want"  
  
The blonde tried to swallow the lump in her throat but couldn’t. How could she have let it get this bad? How could she have let Olivia see _this_? How could she _not_ hate herself for the tears threatening to overwhelm her _again_? She had been genuinely okay for the past years (well, at least _kind of_ …)! Wasn’t it her own fault if she let everything fall apart now? Did she even deserve Olivia’s kindness? Her warmth? Her concern?

Ironically, it was exactly this very _voice_ , this very _tone_ that tore Amanda out of her thoughts. The brunette’s "How can I help?" sounded so gentle and sincere it almost got through Amanda’s walls. _Almost._ The detective was biting her lip now, and her pseudo-casual shrug looked stiff and fake. Olivia sensed there was something Amanda was holding back, yet she was surprised when the younger woman finally voiced her request:

“Can you stay with me tonight?”


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

_“Of course! You’re safe with me, Amanda. I promise”  
  
_

Olivia’s words were still echoing through Amanda’s head now that the two women were standing on the threshold to the blonde’s bedroom. _You’re safe with me, Amanda. Safe with me. Safe. Safe. Safe._ _Then why wasn’t she feeling safe? Why was she trembling like a leaf? Why-_  
Yet again, Amanda was torn out of her thoughts by Olivia’s gentle voice. She startled when Olivia softly said her name – simultaneously having forgotten the older woman was standing right behind her, and being terrified because of this very same circumstance.

“Amanda, are you _sure_ you’re okay with my being in here?”   
Amanda nodded bravely but was still frozen to the spot, her hand gripping firmly onto the door handle even though the door was already open.   
“Are you sure you’re sure?”   
The blonde gulped guiltily. Eventually, _she_ had been the one to ask Olivia whether she could stay with her for the night. Why was she being so silly now? It was just Liv. Liv would never hurt her!

Olivia waited patiently, noticing with growing concern that her friend’s breathing was becoming more and more erratic. “Can you tell me what’s going on right now, honey?” The lieutenant asked softly. “You’re my superior, Liv” Amanda started. “And I’m letting you sleep with me. I’m letting you-, I can’t-, I…” She was hyperventilating again, and despite her confusion, Olivia knew better than to rush into anything. Instead, she spoke calmly but firmly: “I can try to stay awake if that makes you feel any safer, Amanda”

The blonde immediately shook her head. “That’s not it. I just- I can’t sleep with you. I can’t… I can’t let you-“ Amanda’s voice trailed off but Olivia had finally picked up on the ambiguity of what the other woman was saying. “Amanda?” She gently tucked on the blonde’s arm to make her turn around and look at her. “Honey, what do you mean by that?”  
The blonde looked up briefly, then immediately averted her gaze and didn’t respond for a full minute. When she finally did, her voice was heavy and loaded with shame: “I let _him_ sleep with me, too”

  
Olivia’s eyes widened, but before she could say anything, Amanda continued: “ _He_ was my superior and you’re my superior now and I let him sleep with me but I can’t let you-“ While Amanda was rambling on, Oliva was hit by the full force of what she was saying. “No! Manda, look at me! Please. Can you look at me for just one second?” The blonde gulped but eventually complied with Olivia’s request. “Amanda, you didn’t let him! You didn’t _let_ Patton _sleep with you!_ He forced you. He _raped_ you. And I’m so very sorry that happened to you. But I _promise_ you’re safe with me. Out here and in there. I’m not gonna hurt you. I’d never-“ Olivia couldn’t bring herself to say the word. “I know I’m your superior, too. And I understand how scary this situation must be for you. How it must remind you of what Patton did to you. But I would _never_ do that. _Never._ You’re in control. I’m not gonna enter your bedroom without your permission. If you’ve changed your mind - if you don’t want me to stay with you tonight after all - that’s okay. I can sleep on the couch if that makes you feel safer. Or if it’s the thought of letting me sleep in your bed that’s scaring you so much right now, we can both sleep on your couch. It’s up to you”

Olivia stopped talking when she noticed the tears that were streaming down Amanda’s face. The young detective suddenly felt disgusted with herself. Olivia would never hurt her. Deep down, she knew that. But it wasn’t enough. Not with the images of her gruesome nightmare still imprinted on her mind. Not with all the injuries she had sustained after her fall; injuries leaving her incapable of defending herself _if_ …Yet again, Olivia interrupted her disastrous train of thought: “Talk to me, Amanda. Please tell me what to do” The blonde gulped. _If only she knew_ … Not getting any kind of response, Olivia continued: “I’m _not_ him. I’m not Patton. And I’d _never_ force you to do anything you don’t want me to do. _Never._ I want you to feel safe, Amanda. So what do we do?”

Before either of them knew what was happening, Amanda had hurried inside the room and slammed the door in Olivia’s face. “I need a minute, Liv. Please don’t come in yet. I…”

Amanda yelled, then opened the door just an inch, leaving it slightly ajar and repeated what she had just said. When Olivia calmly responded with an “Okay”, Amanda exhaled deeply and let go of the door handle. She moved to the side and her tear-stained face appeared in the crack of the door. “I’m so sorry, Liv. I- I just… I’m so scared right now and I don’t even know why and-“ “It’s okay, honey. You don’t have to apologize. I know you’re scared. I just don’t want you to hyperventilate again, or get yourself sick. Can you take a deep breath for me?” Olivia inhaled deeply herself, instantly relieved when she saw Amanda mimicking her actions through the crack of the door. “There you go. Now what do you want to do? How can I help?” “I- I…” Amanda’s voice was still too shaky to speak, so they repeated their breathing exercise for another minute or two. “I wanna go to bed” Amanda started after another few minutes of silence. “I wanna go to bed and hide under the blankets and I… I trust you, Liv. I’m _trying_ to trust you. I just… I need to be all wrapped up in the blankets before I can let you come inside. And I know it’s silly and-“ “It’s not. It’s not silly or stupid or whatever it was you were going to say next. If that’s what’s gonna help you feel safe again, that’s what we’ll do. Okay?”Amanda gulped, then nodded. “And I want Frannie. Please. Can you go get her?”

  
Before Olivia had any chance to call the dog’s name, Frannie had already risen from her spot on the carpet and trotted towards the door, wiggling her tail excitedly upon hearing her master’s voice. Olivia scratched the dog’s head lovingly. “She’s already here. Do you want me to let her in or do you want me to wait?” “Wait. Please. I… I’m gonna lie down and…” Amanda’s voice trailed off while she tapped across the thick carpet. No longer being able to see Amanda through the crack of the door, Olivia waited patiently, interpreting the rustling noises she was hearing as Amanda’s slipping beneath the covers.

“I’m in bed now” Amanda called from the other side of the door. “Can you let Frannie in, please? And then leave the door open but _not_ come in yourself?” The detective’s voice was timid and calm at the same time, and Olivia couldn’t shake the feeling that Amanda’s panic hadn’t yet subsided but was just being pushed away. “Yes, of course” She responded casually. “I’m letting her in now”

Frannie rushed inside but stopped dead in her tracks in the middle of the room. Seeming to sense that she wasn’t supposed to jump onto the bed, the approached slowly, eyes on her master whose head was the only body part peeking out of her blanket burrito. “Frannie – spot” Amanda commanded, and the canine flopped down on the floor at the end of the bed. “Good girl” Amanda praised and hesitated for a few seconds before she dared to look towards the door. Olivia hadn’t moved an inch – just as she had promised – and Amanda couldn’t help but feel deeply ashamed for what she had insinuated earlier. Deep down she knew Liv was nothing like Patton but she hadn’t been able to keep her thoughts and fears in check earlier.

“Liv?”   
“Yeah?”   
“You… you can come in now. I mean- if you still want to…”   
A brief smile flashed over the older woman’s face. “Of course I do.”

The brunette slowly entered Amanda’s bedroom, giving Amanda enough time to change her mind or give her further instructions. When none came, Olivia asked: “Do you want me to close the door or leave it open?” Amanda hesitated for a second, then told Liv to close it. “And leave the light on!” She added a little too quickly. After having complied with Amanda’s requests, Olivia turned around to face the younger woman again, prompting her to tell her what to do next.

“You can come closer, Liv”   
Amanda had shrugged the blanket off her shoulder and freed her injured arm which she was now using to awkwardly gesticulate. Olivia couldn’t help but wonder how painful it must have been for Amanda to wrap herself up in the blankets with her injuries – yet another indication of how scared she had to be. Before sitting down on the empty side of the bed, Olivia double-checked with Amanda who slowly nodded her consent. “Remember: It’s just me and I’m not going to hurt you. Okay?”

Another nod.   
Olivia laid down next to her and propped her head up on her elbow, facing the blonde. “Is this okay?” Olivia was lying as far away from Amanda as possible but the lieutenant couldn’t shake the feeling that she had scared Amanda into silence with her sheer presence.

“Amanda? Can you tell me what you’re thinking right now?”  
No response.   
“I’m afraid I can’t move further away from you without falling off the bed, but if I’m making you feel uncomfortable, just let me know and I’ll get up”

“I’m okay” Amanda whispered, and Olivia thought she had answered her question until she heard the younger woman repeat the words over and over again. Amanda was talking to herself, she realized, and listening to the small detective’s mantra broke Liv’s heart.

_“I’m okay, I’m okay, I’m okay”_


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

"DON'T TOUCH ME THERE!"

Amanda’s terrified shriek caused Liv to quickly withdraw the hand she had stretched out towards her shivering colleague. "I... I can't - I..." The blonde was choking on her tears now and Olivia slid off the bed hastily and knelt down beside it on the floor. Hesitatingly, she placed her elbows on the mattress and leaned forward towards the younger woman whom her inconsiderate actions had reduced to a shivering mass beneath the covers. "Manda? I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. You're ok. You're safe, honey. I promise!"  
  


What had she been thinking? She should have never tried to reach out for her! Ironically, she hadn’t even wanted to touch Amanda but had just meant to place her hand on the mattress between them, yet again offering her a hand to hold if she wanted to – but she hadn’t explicitly announced that. _Should have_ explicitly announced that. What had Amanda thought she was going to do? That Liv's hand was going to move lower? Or further up towards Amanda's breasts? Was that why she had drawn her legs up to her chest, her uninjured arm clutched protectively around them as if she were trying to shield herself?

"Don't touch me there, Liv. Please don't touch me there!" The blonde muttered over and over again, and Olivia was deeply concerned by the fact that Amanda had addressed her directly because it indicated she was aware of her surroundings. Terrified not of some long gone memory but _of her._

"Amanda, I'd never hurt you. Never! You're safe with me. I'm not gonna touch you without your permission!" The blonde’s response – yet another "I can't let you touch me there!" – seemed like some sort of mantra now; having replaced her previous “I’m fine” that no longer seemed to be true. Olivia gulped. Did Amanda really think she was capable of violating her boundaries like that? What if her fear had nothing to do with what had happened with her previous superior? Amanda knew about Olivia’s mother’s rape, after all… What if _that_ was the reason she didn’t seem to believe Olivia wasn’t going to touch her; wasn’t going to _hurt_ her? What if it meant she wasn’t fully convinced Olivia could be trusted despite all the vileness encoded in her genes? Feeling the familiar sting of tears in her eyes, Olivia tried to push the thought back into a dark corner of her mind. This was neither the place nor the time.

Or was it?

“Manda, can you please tell me what’s going on? Can you-“ Olivia’s voice broke and it took a second until she had regained the ability to speak. “Am I reminding you of Patton? Of what he did to you? Or do you not trust me not to touch me because of _who I am?_ Because of _what_ I am?”

Amanda’s eyes widened in shock and when her gaze finally met Olivia’s, both women fell apart, overwhelmed by the sheer intensity of their emotions. 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been meaning to get back to this story for years and in the light of the Corona lockdown, I've ran out of excuses to procrastinate writing, so there you go. Quite a lot of readers seemed to like this story on fanfiction.net so I figured I'd also post it here even though I'm fairly new to this site. We'll se how it goes! Please let me know what you think!

**Chapter 8**

Unbearable silence washed through the room.

Time was standing still, and so was Olivia’s heartbeat. She wasn’t even aware of how she was holding her breath, too busy focusing on the younger woman next to her. Amanda had clasped her hand over her mouth, tears glistening in her eyes. Why wasn’t she saying anything? Had she only now realized _why_ she distrusted Olivia? Was she too afraid to confirm her hypothesis, knowing it would tear Liv to shreds?

_Say something! Anything!_ The thought was bouncing through Amanda’s brain like a ping pong ball but all she could do was stare like a deer in the headlights. Amanda was frozen into place. She couldn’t speak, couldn’t move, and she knew she was going to shut down entirely if she didn’t manage to snap out of it soon. But it hurt. It hurt so much she could barely breathe. All of a sudden, Amanda started shaking, her entire body basically vibrating with tension.

Frannie barked sharply and the sound cut through the silence. Sensing something was wrong, the dog ran towards Liv, nudged her side, then stepped against the side of the mattress, quickly retracting her paws when her master flinched away from her. Frannie landed on the carpet with a muffled thump and sat on her bottom, letting out a confused but distressed howl. Absentmindedly, Olivia reached towards Frannie to pet her, softly drawing circles through the fur on her side. When Frannie trustingly leant into her touch, Olivia felt a sting of sadness. Then again, Liv thought, Frannie was only a dog: She knew nothing of Olivia’s family history, let alone genetics and potentially hereditary traits. What Frannie did seem to sense though was that she could trust Olivia – and Liv knew for a fact that Frannie didn’t let just everybody scratch her behind the ears… Visibly calmer now, the pit bull trotted back to the spot on her blanket next to the door and flopped down, seeming to trust Olivia with her master’s well-being.

Olivia glanced over towards Amanda whose eyes seemed to be glued to some indistinguishable spot in the distance. The intense trembling had come to an end but she still hadn’t moved an inch, still hadn’t uttered a word. How could it be that her gentle touch was bringing comfort to Frannie while her owner seemed to be perceiving Oliva’s mere presence as a threat?

Olivia had made it her life’s mission to eradicate the vileness that she feared was inside her by dedicating her life to the hundreds of survivors she had supported in the aftermath of their darkest hours over the years. Yet all of that was crumbling in the face of tonight because Olivia was failing the one person she most desperately wanted to support. Every breath she took - even the tiniest of her movements - seemed to strip Amanda of what little feeling of safety she might have left because it was _her_ that Amanda was genuinely terrified of.

There was no point in staying, Olivia realized sadly. Her absence would provide Amanda with a greater sense of comfort and security than her presence ever could.

“I understand”, Olivia whispered into the nothingness. It was only when the first tear had slid off the edge of her chin that Olivia realized she was crying. Amanda’s silence was suffocating her. Shakily, Olivia retracted from the bed, crossing the room on wobbly legs, desperate to escape a situation that was threatening to consume her.

* * *

Amanda was vaguely aware that she was being tossed back and forth between the present and another reality but she had no control whatsoever. Rivaling trains of thought were racing through her head, each of which hitting her with full force.

_Liv. // Hands. Yelling. Darkness._

_Liv! // Teeth. Whimpering. Pain._

Still propped up against the headboard, Amanda instinctively clutched her chest, shielding herself. A pain-stricken look ghosted over her face when her injured wrist was bent in the process. 

It was the soft _click_ of the doorknob that tore Amanda out of her stupor.

_Olivia was leaving._ She couldn’t let that happen!  
An unbearable sense of injustice rose beyond the terror Amanda was experiencing. She was punishing her by remaining silent – punishing her for something that wasn’t her fault. If Olivia left now, there was no coming back from that. Something inside her would be irreparably broken.

But the memories were overwhelming, tearing at Amanda from all sides. Maybe they both needed to get out of here, Amanda thought. Maybe she would be able to regain control once they were in a more neutral space? Amanda’s head accidentally brushed against the headboard and she flinched violently. Staying in her bedroom wasn’t an option – _that much_ she was sure of.

“Livingroom!”

Olivia stopped dead in her tracks. Amanda hadn’t meant to make it sound like a command but she wasn’t strong enough to push the memories aside yet. There was so much more Amanda needed to say but she couldn’t. Not when her entire body was shaking so hard if felt like her injured ribs were stabbing her from within. An agonized “Please!” was all Amanda could muster up the strength to add, desperately trying not to let her demons consume her again. 

Surprise washed over Olivia’s face, then relief. A whispered “Okay” was the last thing Amanda heard before the door clicked shut.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

“ _Am I reminding you of Patton? Of what he did to you? Or do you not trust me not to touch me because of who I am? Because of what I am?”_

_  
_Her previous words were continuously echoing through Olivia’s mind. She had no idea how long she had been sitting on Amanda’s couch when she was torn out of the loop of her thoughts by the sound of Amanda’s bedroom door opening. The blonde entered the room timidly, a pillow clutched tightly against her chest with her uninjured hand, the other one bent awkwardly across her belly. Amanda sat down on the far end of the couch and even in the dim glow of the table lamp several feet away, Olivia was aware that she was being eyed suspiciously by the detective.

“I’m sorry”   
The quiver of Amanda’s lips clearly indicated there was something else she wanted to add, so Olivia waited. However, deep down Liv was shamefully aware that neither hindsight nor foresight was keeping her from speaking right now – but her own demons. With a sudden pang of guilt, Olivia realized there was something else she needed to hear from the blonde before she herself was ready to talk to her again – and, as if Amanda were reading her mind, she said exactly that: “This has nothing to do with you or your father, Liv”

Amanda's words were Olivia's salvation. Brief and shaky and porous salvation, but salvation nonetheless. Olivia discretely used her sleeve to wipe a tear off her cheek and Amanda did her the favor of not pointing that out. “I should have said that earlier but I couldn't. And I'm so sorry I hurt you. It's just- ”, Amanda's voice trailed off.

“I lose myself sometimes... _within me._ And yes: that sounds stupid but I don't know how to phrase it.” Amanda snorted. “Sometimes I can’t speak”, she whispered after a while, shamefully avoiding Olivia's gaze. “I- it doesn't make sense. Intellectually, know I _could_ speak and move... but it doesn't feel true anymore.” 

When Amanda finally found the courage to look at Olivia, her gaze was met with nothing but compassion. “It doesn't”, the brunette said softly. “It doesn't sound stupid at all, Amanda.”

Olivia had meant to add something but her focus shifted to the involuntarily whimper that escaped Amanda's throat. “How's the pain?” Amanda shrugged Olivia's question off at first but it was obvious that something was wrong that a simple incredulous look was sufficient.

“It's not that”, Amanda admitted shamefully, “It's...” When she glanced down her her chest, the gesture conveyed what she was too ashamed to put into words. Olivia's facial expressions softened and that alone was enough to encourage Amanda to continue. “Sometimes I still feel things - especially when I’m _like this_.” Amanda shifted in her spot on the couch, subconsciously clutching the pillow even tighter. “The pillow helps. I know it’s silly but it just does.” Once again, the blonde averted her gaze and when Olivia immediately reestablished eye contact, Amanda expected her to switch into cop mode and ask about the very details she had been trying to run from all night. Instead, Olivia softly asked “What do you need right now, 'Manda?”, and Amanda was caught off guard.

  
“I need to stop feeling his mouth on my breasts!” She shrieked desperately, and it was only at Olivia's gasp of surprise that Amanda realized she had said it out loud.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

Without thinking, Amanda clasped a hand over her mouth and the impact sent a sudden wave of torturous pain through Amanda's already contused wrist. It was only by the scream of agony that followed when both women realized she had involuntarily used the injured one.   
  


“Amanda!” Olivia abruptly leaned towards the blonde but stopped herself mid-motion, torn between wanting to help Amanda without scaring her by approaching without her consent.

She ignored the distressed bark from Amanda's bedroom, focused on the shaking woman on the opposite side of the couch. Even though the blonde was hiding from her gaze, Olivia was fairly certain she was crying and the occasional whimpers of pain tore through her heart like a poisonous spear. Olivia sighed but waited, determined not to scare the younger woman any more than she already was. The way Amanda was turned away from her reminded Olivia of someone trying to shield their body from violent blows and Olivia realized she had lost count on how many times she had seen her detective like this in the previous hours. It was an uphill battle but Olivia was determined to stand by Amanda's side.

“You're safe, Amanda” Olivia reassured her, “I only want to help. I know you're in pain but can you please look at me?”

_Nothing._

“Amanda, please talk to me” Olivia prodded gently. “You must be hurting really bad right now”   
  


_Nothing._

Remembering what the blonde had described only minutes prior, Olivia tried a different angle. “I think you can hear me but you're too overwhelmed right now to speak. You don't have to if it's too much but can you please let me know whether my words are getting through to you?”

Olivia was relieved beyond words when Amanda responded with the tiniest of nods but the tension in the room was still palpable. For now, it was probably safer to attend to Amanda's _physical_ pain, Olivia decided. Nevertheless, she couldn't shake the feeling that Amanda's sudden withdrawal had as much to do with the impulsive revelation about how she was still feeling Patton's mouth on her. Olivia pushed the thought aside. _One step a time._

“I can get you an ice pack for your hand if you want me to”, she announced, carefully watching the shivering form next to her for any signs of consent or dissent. When the blonde didn't react at all, Olivia remained seated on the couch. “If I were to do that, I would walk past you on my way to the kitchen but I'd keep my distance. I can see that you're scared and I don't want to contribute to that. I will not approach you without your consent and I absolutely will not touch you without it.”

Even through the haze of terror, Amanda realized how warm and calm Olivia's voice was - without even the tiniest hint of annoyance or pressure. “I want you to feel safe, Amanda”, the brunette added and Amanda gulped. Even though her eyes were still shut, Amanda could tell by the stillness of their shared couch cushion that Olivia had indeed not yet moved an inch. She was waiting for her to respond, the blonde realized: Olivia had asked for her permission and had neither received a yes nor a no, so she was waiting.

Amanda involuntarily stiffened and Olivia, who was watching the younger woman intently, noticed immediately. From Amanda's alert posture, she could tell that she was _there._ She might have once again _lost herself within her_ – as Amanda herself had previously described it – but she was there nevertheless. Frozen with shame and fear and pain, yet feeling every second of it - and Olivia felt just as powerless. 

She had briefly considered opting for a more direct approach but ultimately refrained from doing so: Even though Amanda would certainly benefit from the pain relief an ice pack was promising, it would do more damage than good _emotionally_ if she perceived Olivia's actions as unpredictable. _No answer is an answer -_ and in that case, no answer meant no consent. That realization alone had consolidated Olivia's decision to obtain affirmative consent before doing anything Amanda might perceive as threatening. After everything that had happened, Olivia couldn't afford to squander whatever trust Amanda had left in her. 

When Olivia's mother had confronted her with the ugly circumstances of her conception, Olivia had only been a child - but even back then, she had vowed to herself that no matter what, she would do everything in her power to prove she was one of the good guys. More than a decade later, when Olivia had first started working with survivors, she had assumed the hardest part of SVU would be to hold on against all odds, so she had tried to prepare herself as thoroughly as possible. Despite the frequent compliments she had received for her never-ending compassion and her talent to quickly and intuitively build rapport, Olivia had always been eager to learn new techniques, new approaches, new concepts.

None of them, however, had prepared her to endure the crushing, debilitating, suffocating sensation of utter helplessness. Olivia once again became acutely aware of that when she studied the younger woman who was motionlessly pressed against the back of the couch. As it had turned out, continuously doing _everything in her power_ was not the greatest challenge she would have to face in SVU.

The hardest lesson SVU had taught Olivia was that sometimes – despite your flaming compassion – there was nothing you could do

but wait.


End file.
